Eclectic Research & Informed Opinion about.. Atheism, Cats, Chess, Economics, Finance, Futures, History, Humor, Nostalgia, Philosophy, Politics, Psychiatry, Science, 70's Disco, Sociology, Stock & Option Trading, Tennis....

Monday, July 03, 2006

Traitorous Pinko NY Times!

For Immediate Release
- Office of the Press Secretary
June 29, 2006 -


Statement by the President -- "That Thing I told everyone I would do Is Top Secret"

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Last week, The New York Times disclosed details of a kinda-secret program that my Administration publicly announced in order to fight the global scourge of journalism. There is no greater threat to America than journalists, and I am committed to continuing to wage my War On Journalism.

Oh, fuck me with a shovelful of horny toads, I mean "Terrorism." Terrorism. This is what happens when I get all crazy mad. And believe me, I'm madder than a hungry cowpoke with a saddle full of biscuits galloping through a barren land without gravy.

Anyway, the disclosure of this top-secret bank data monitoring program by crook-nosed Jew Yorkers is disgraceful! I mean, who in their right mind would have EVER GUESSED that I would actually follow through on Executive Order #13224 from September 24, 2001 – or that I wasn't just talking out my ass when I announced to the world that same day:

"We know that many of these [terrorists] operate primarily overseas, and they don't have much money in the United States. So we've developed a strategy to deal with that. We're putting banks and financial institutions around the world on notice, we will work with their governments, ask them to freeze or block terrorist's ability to access funds in foreign accounts."

So for the New York Times to leak the "Duh!" obvious details of a program I told everyone about does great harm to the United States of America. After all, without the ability to keep my little secrets and float divinely over the laws of this nation, I cannot continue to protect Americans from teams of stoned-stupid ghetto monkeys talking out their ass about blowing up the world instead of incorrectly filling out a McDonald's application they'll be too lazy to actually turn in. Besides, who the hell gave the New York Times permission to get all ethical? Furthermore, who gave them permission to read the Constitution?

Well, cat's out of the bag, right? Yeah, ok, so we have this little harmless program where a bunch of fatasses in short sleeve shirts and JC Penny ties sit around and, you know, look at all your financial information: bank statements, credit card bills, bounced checks, failed investments, political donations, Blockbuster rentals. Harmless stuff, really. We kept the details hush-hush because we're POLITE. Not because we didn't want to embarrass Americans by reminding them how after 9/11TM, they were so freaked out that they'd have flushed the Bill of Rights right down the shitter in exchange for some instant payback.

Anyway, if the banking industry won't conspire to compromise the rights of its fellow Americans at the behest of a Republican Administration, then my party is pretty fucked. I mean, they're bankers. It would be as if the Democrats couldn't convince Harvard to sell out every single student who doesn't march lockstep in their secular humanist parade of carpet-munchers, hairy Marxists, and coloreds who can spell!

But then the terrorist-sympathizing New York Times had to come on out and remind EVERYBODY about it, like the chattering little clique of socialist liberal smarty pants that they are. At about this point, I'm sure many of you in the press are gonna turn on your bitch faucets and let flow all the First Amendment bullshit I normally grin and bear, even if that means mentally checking-in to the Retard Zone. Blah, blah, blah, a free press ensures the people are told what their representatives are doing in their name with their tax dollars, blah, blah, blah, without a free press tyranny is able to distort and control the truth blah BLAH blah
Let me ask you something: when was the last time the press saved any of you from shit? Huh? All they do is show up after all hell has broke loose, then set up camera stands on corpses in order to shoot smoldering buildings, all for a noble cause. Namely, profit.

I guess The New York Times doesn't really care whether its readers live or die. I suppose those folk living and scribblin' on that little slice of Europe floating off the Northeastern coast of the US could care less whether their subscribers get their gizzards chicken-fried by a nukular bomb. Seems to me, "The Paper of Record" is more like "The Paper of Discord."

A-heh-heh-heh. "The Paper of Discord." Good stuff.

I believe the American people agree with me, or at least, a fanatically rabid quarter or so of them do. I think I have earned the trust of my fellow citizens. They understand that the means sometimes do justify the ends, and the more you tell yourself that, the more fantastically moral it sounds. Sometimes FREEDOM® means cutting a couple corners here or there, covering up a couple dozen or so violent interrogations, skirting annoying laws, selling out government officials and secret agents who refused to get their mandatory lobotomy, and yes, even poking our noses between the closed curtains of the public. But if you're not evil, there's no problem, right? Not doing anything wrong? Re-e-e-elax.

Then again, there's also the chance you don't know you're doing evil. Or maybe, just maybe, you'll do some evildoing at some point in the future. It's also possible that you think evil things. Either way, the American people trust me to make the right decisions that are in the best interest of my rapacious ego.

In closing, The New York Times is officially on notice. This goes double for Girly Knees Keller, Paul "The Slug" Krugman, Thomas "Porn 'Stash" Friedman, and ol' Dusty Box herself, Mo Dowd. You could lose your press credentials. Or get spanked by angry GOP congressmen. Or get audited. Or maybe I'll just look at you right now, scrunch up my face, and stick my yellowed tongue out at you. By the way Girly Knees, I know the Times is a privately held company, whose assets and financial information are kept away from the prying public eyes. Pretty sensitive books you got, kiddo. That's it. All I wanted to say.


Just remember, the United States government giveth, and the United States government bombeth away. So watch your back, Grey Lady.

* Cough * fuckingslutbitch * Cough *



Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home